Levi Read online

  When the door to Brody's room opens a solemn Kendall walks out. We've come to know each other so well and with just one look I sense she knows what's coming. She knows I can't do this anymore. I can't handle any more unknowns.

  "I just need to know. Can I stand here and try to explain what happened today or is it over between us?"

  I look down to the floor, unable to look at her when I say what I need to. It's a coward move. "It's over, Kendall. I told you my life isn't about me anymore. Every decision I make is about Brody. I've given up everything for him. My friends slowly stopped calling and my family abandoned me, but I got through it. I gave up baseball. At the time, it was my one and only love, and you know what? I've never regretted it even for a moment. I no longer needed baseball. I no longer loved it the way I used to. My priorities changed."

  I look up at her and there are tears in her eyes. It breaks my heart that I'm hurting her but I need to continue. I watch her tears and focus on the hurt I'm causing her. I never want to hurt her like this again. I never want to cause her this much pain so I need to finish what I want to say tonight so I only hurt her this once.

  "I love you, Kendall. My world is more colorful since you've been in it. You make me happy. You make me feel alive. I've found myself making room for you in every area of my life, including the large part that involves Brody, and now he loves you, too. What I'm only starting to realize tonight is how unfair it was. Somehow I started putting my needs and my love for you first, never considering what this has done to Brody. He loves you. He depends on you. Today, you let him down.

  "This will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I'm giving up another thing I love tonight to protect Brody in the future. I'm giving up you."

  "If you love me, how can you do this?" she sobs. "I made one mistake, Levi. One! And I'm sick about it. I love that little boy as if he were my own–"

  "If that were true you wouldn't have taken your eyes off him. He never would have walked away without you knowing."

  "There's a learning curve for all of this, Levi. I'm still new at this. I've never taken care of a kid before Brody. You've been doing this all his life." She starts to wipe the tears from under her eyes, but it's no use–more tears keep falling. "You need to give me another chance. I can't lose you. I can't lose him. You're my world. You're my family."

  "If you truly love us then you'll understand why I need to protect him."

  "I do love you but I don't understand. I don't understand how you can act like this over one mistake–"

  "It's not just the one mistake!" I yell back, and my anger shocks me.

  She steps back in surprise. "What do you mean? I've never made a mistake with him before."

  She's right. Oh, my God, she's right. My anger and irrationality have nothing to do with today. Okay, maybe they do, but it's just masking what my genuine anger and fear is. In the end, I fear she'll leave us. She'll let us down. What terrifies me the most is knowing my fear will most likely become a reality. Subconsciously I was protecting us from the truth and what is inevitable–from what I know is coming eventually.

  "You're right," I agree with her, because she is right. She's been so amazing with him and up until today, she never made one mistake.

  "I am?" she questions as she continues to sob. I move in and wrap her in my arms, comforting her with a hug, but that's all this is–comfort. No matter what revelations I've had, our relationship still needs to end tonight.

  She cries into my chest and when her tears stop falling I let go, this time treating her with more compassion. She doesn't deserve my wrath. "You're right, Kendall. You've been nothing short of amazing with Brody, but I have to end this now before Brody and I get hurt. The days will hurt at first but eventually we'll get through it. If I wait and let this play out in a few years, it will hurt much worse."

  "Let what play out?"

  "Our relationship won't last forever, Kendall."

  "How could you possibly know that? You can't get rid of me like you got rid of baseball. I'm a person, not a thing."

  "Do you want to settle down and get married?" I ask, genuinely interested in her answer, although I already know what it will be.

  "Why would you ask me that?"

  "It's a simple question, Kendall. Yes or no?"

  "Is that what this is about? I'll never pressure you to marry me, Levi."

  "I'm not being clear. You're missing the point so let me re-phrase." I try to be more direct and with a calm tone ask her, "Have you ever pictured yourself getting married? If so what did you picture?"

  "I don't know," she says confused, as she drags a hand through her long hair. "I guess, sure, there were times I pictured myself possibly getting married one day. It's never been a big dream of mine but when I was younger I pictured myself settling down when I got into my thirties."

  "What did you picture?"

  "I just told you," she responds frustrated.

  "What type of guy did you see as your husband?"

  "I don't know! I was a kid at the time. Probably some rich older guy who took care of me. I'd be like a trophy wife. I don't understand why you're asking me this."

  "I'm poor, Kendall."

  "That's never mattered to me."

  "I'll never be able to give you the life that you want."

  "You're creating this idea of what you think I want in your head and none of it is true. Who says I want anything other than what you can offer me?"

  "That's the thing," I yell, slamming my hand against the wall. "I can't offer you shit! I live paycheck to paycheck. Any extra money I have goes to Brody. Toward the things he needs. Toward his schooling. Toward baseball. I have nothing for you."

  "Yeah, right now, but you don't know what the future holds."

  "The future holds nothing else for me. I'll be like this forever. I don't have the freedom to try out new jobs or open a business that might fail. I have my son to think about and job security is what's most important. I have security with Forbidden Desires. I'm not going to screw this job up. I'll never leave this company, which means I'll be in security the rest of my life and with security there is only so much I can make."

  Raising my hand, I point around the room. "Look around, Kendall. The life I have right now. This is it. You're used to a nicer way of living and I can't give that to you, and I can't make plans with someone who will only leave in the end. I don't blame you. You deserve better."

  "I don't know why you're doing this, Levi. You're selling yourself short. You're selling us short. We can make this work. We are making this work and I guess I'm just confused. Everything was going perfectly fine with us until today. I made one mistake and now you're ending it."

  "This is no longer about what happened today, Kendall. Everything I'm feeling and saying I've been thinking for a while. It just took today for it to come to the surface. You're a wonderful woman–"

  "Oh, my God, stop. Don't patronize me."

  I cup her face with my hands and when her eyes connect with mine I continue, "I'm not patronizing you. It's true. You're fucking amazing, Kendall. You're going to make some guy feel like a million bucks one day. I know that because it's how you make me feel. A long time ago I gave up everything for a little boy who became my world. That can't change now. I need to give you up, too."

  More tears fall down her cheeks and if there was any part of my heart left that wasn't shattered, it is now. Her lower lip trembles and she steps away, wiping her eyes of her shed tears. "So this is it. We're done and you're ending this with no regrets."

  "I have regrets and I'm sure I'll have more and more every day that goes by, but this is the right decision, Kendall. You'll understand one day."

  I wait for what she has to say next, but it doesn't come. Without another word she walks out my apartment door and out of my life just as fast as the day she entered it.

  And she takes my heart with her.

  Chapter Twenty-eight

  One Week Later

  Kendall

 
Noah: What the hell! What's your excuse today?

  Me: Just fire me already. It will make my life easier.

  Noah: I'm not firing you.

  Me: You should. I'm not coming in anytime soon and since I missed all of last week you should just find someone to replace me.

  Noah: I'M NOT FIRING YOU!!! Skye's covering when her fall schedule allows her and I have Reagan helping the other nights. You can take this week off but I expect you back at work come next Wednesday. I'll have Augusto walk you out at the end of the night.

  Me: I quit.

  Noah: No, you don't. I'll see you next week.

  Ugh! That man is frustrating. I don't know how Skye puts up with him sometimes. Why won't he just let me mope at home in peace?

  I can't go back to the office. I can never step foot in Bar Forbidden or Club Desire again. If I do, there's a chance I'll see Levi. My heart can't take that. He's already shattered it into tiny pieces. If I see him while I'm trying to mend it, he'll destroy me for good.

  If the situation were different I might have asked Noah to fire Levi. It would be a favor for the best friend of his wife who he loves dearly. But I won't do that. Levi needs this job. Like he told me when he broke up with me, this job gives him a little financial stability. I don't ever want to be the reason he can't provide for Brody. So instead I'm ignoring work and waiting for the day Noah fires me or allows me to quit.

  Whichever comes first.

  Either way, I'm not going back in there. I've been content on my couch all week in sweatpants and a ripped t-shirt watching mindless television, in between crying my heartbreak away and sleeping to ignore the reality of my new life. A life without Levi and Brody in it.

  The truly sad part is that Levi didn't give me time to tell him what I've wanted since I met him. He didn't even think enough of me to give me a little credit that I'd want only what he could offer me–nothing more. I've always been an independent woman. He wouldn't have to take care of me. I don't need the fairy tale life he thinks I do. Fairy tales are overrated and often the life you're given is messy and unpredictable, but ends up way better than any fairy tale.

  I want messy with Levi. I want unpredictable. Maybe that was our biggest problem all along. I've always known what I wanted when it came to him. In the beginning, it was a hook-up. A fling. As I got to know him more, my wants and desires progressed. Soon a hook-up wasn't good enough. I wanted a relationship and I was open about that. Levi has a hard time being open. He fought the idea of us from the very beginning. I just figured once there was an "us" he'd surrender and give up the fight.

  I was wrong.

  The front door to my apartment slams shut, stopping me from continuing to overanalyze my relationship with Levi. Skye's got a paper bag from our favorite bakery in one hand and coffee in the other. Once she takes in my appearance she shoots me a sympathetic look and then glances at the TV just as Allie looks down at the newspaper and sees Noah in front of the house he built.

  "You're watching The Notebook again! How is this going to help you get over your break-up?"

  "I don't want to get over it. I just want to sink into my couch and disappear."

  "Oh, Ken. You're going to get through this. You just need to get up, get showered, and go through the motions of your day. Each day will get easier and eventually it won't feel like such a forced task."

  She sets down the coffee and bakery bag on my side table and sits next to me on the couch. "Shouldn't you be in class?" I ask.

  "I had a few minutes so I wanted to drop off some food for you and see how you're doing."

  "And what conclusion did you draw?"

  "You're heartbroken and it's understandable. Just know I'm here for you whenever you feel like talking."

  "I know, Skye. I appreciate it, but I'm not ready to talk. Right now, I'm content sulking at home and dealing with this on my own timeline. Once I'm ready, you'll be the first person I call."

  She leans in and hugs me, embracing me with her warmth. I haven't been much of a friend to her lately but she's here anyway. That's what friends do and I'm so glad I introduced myself to her all those years ago in the park. If I hadn't, I wouldn't have such an incredible friend today.

  She pulls away from me and scrunches her nose in disgust. "When was the last time you showered? I'm telling you this because I love you. You smell like one of the homeless men down in the subway."

  "It's not that bad."

  She fans her hand in front of her nose. "Yes, it is. How long have you been wearing those clothes?"

  "Well, let's see. Levi broke it off with me nine days ago. I came home and put on these sweatpants before crying myself to sleep so...nine days."

  "Kendall, that's disgusting. Please shower today. You don't have to do anything else but please shower. You'll feel better."

  "Yeah, maybe."

  "No, you need to shower. I can't come by tonight because I'm covering your shift at the office, but when I stop by tomorrow morning I expect you to smell fresh and clean."

  "Okay," I agree, knowing it's a lie because I have no immediate plan to move from this couch.

  "I need you to remember something. It's something you told me when we first met and it gave me perspective."

  "I wasn't aware you listened to anything I said."

  "Ha, ha."

  "What did I say that gave you wisdom?"

  "Unless someone is dead, nothing and nobody is worth being miserable over." I remember that day. I remember saying those words and I wish I still believed them.

  As she stands up she grabs her coffee and hands me the other cup. "Drink up and then go shower. I'll see you tomorrow, but if you need me at all please call. I'll come right over. I love you, Ken."

  I smile, because I can always count on her to be there for me and it's a little bit of comfort in this lost world my mind is living in. "I know and I love you, too."

  When she leaves my apartment, I sink back into the couch and finish watching the movie. Why can't Levi be like Ryan Gosling? He never gave up on Allie, yet Levi gave up on me the minute I made a mistake.

  Ugh, men!

  I take the remote and for the first time in days I turn off the TV. I lift the collar of my shirt to my nose and take a whiff, and immediately smell a stench that has me standing up and heading to the shower. I'm ready to wash the filth off me. Hopefully Skye is right and a shower will make me feel a little better.

  Twenty minutes later and my shower is done. Although my skin feels hydrated and my hair is no longer matted to my head, I still feel like curling up into a ball on my couch and watching another sappy love story. I hate feeling this way but I don't know how to kick it. The world I've gotten to know these past several months was nothing like I ever imagined but everything I never knew I wanted. In an instant, it was ripped away from me and I'm gutted. Everything that brightened my day is gone.

  I brush the grime off my teeth, comb my hair and pull it back in a bun. The clean yoga pants and t-shirt I throw on feel nice against my body. It's a shame they're just going to smell in a few days like the last outfit I wore. I guess it's good I have no one to smell nice for.

  "Jesus!" I shout as I step into my living room and am shocked I'm not the only one in my apartment. Brody is sitting on the couch holding a bouquet of wildflowers like the ones Levi would pick for me. He also has a note.

  Even though I've been learning sign language for months, my vocabulary is limited but I manage to sign, "Hi. Why are you here?" I can't help the feeling of excitement that fills my stomach with anticipation and causes my heart to beat a little faster. Levi must have sent him here with the flowers. Maybe we're not doomed after all. Maybe Levi's thought it through and regrets ending our relationship.

  Brody stands up and hands me a piece of folded notebook paper and I know this is it. This is Levi's apology note. I take the paper and open it up. The butterflies in my stomach stop flying and my heartbeat goes back to its slow, broken pattern of beats. The letter is from Brody.

  Dad doesn't know I
am here. Laura dropped me off. I hope u are not mad. I missed seeing u.

  I smile down at the note in his adorable handwriting–a part of me is happy he missed me because I missed him like crazy. I was mourning the loss of two people in my life instead of just one.

  I wrap him up in a hug and smell his wild curly hair, continually reminding myself to remember his scent. Our visit won't last long and he'll be back with Levi, and I'll be missing him and his dad just as much as I was before–maybe even more.

  When I finally release him, I sign, "I missed you." Then I sign, "Phone." I grab my cell and wave it at him so he knows my intentions and he smiles before reaching in his back pocket and pulling out his cell.

  Me: How did you get into my apartment?

  While he texts back I take him in. Somehow his smile is brighter, his freckles more pronounced. His shirt is wrinkled and his shoes are untied and I have the urge to tell him to tie them, but I don't want to be that Kendall right now. I don't want to be the Kendall who takes care of him and tells him what to do. I want to enjoy the few minutes we have before he has to go home.

  Brody: I took Dad's key.

  Me: Does your dad know you're here?

  Brody: No.

  Me: You shouldn't be here. You'll get in a lot of trouble. Your dad wouldn't want you over here right now.

  Brody: I don't care. I missed u.

  Me: I missed you, kiddo. That still doesn't make sneaking over here right. We need to let your dad know you are here.

  Brody: No!

  Brody: He is so cranky. He's going 2 be mad at me.

  Me: He won't be mad.

  Brody looks up from his phone and raises his eyebrows at me. I text him again.

  Me: Okay, he'll be mad but it won't last. I'll explain everything and it will be okay.